Hiding My Heart

29th May 2012

I don’t want to do this

I’ve been doing really well lately; not breaking down, not thinking about it, not worrying about any of it, not being scared. But now, because I realized that in less than 12 hours I’ll be talking to someone about this scares the living shit out of me. I get too worked up talking about it, I hurt when I talk about it, I feel sick when I talk about it. I know that I should talk to someone because if I don’t, my sleeping issues will just get worse. It’s not that I have insomnia or anything, at least I don’t think I do, but I can’t go to sleep before at least 2am unless I take benadryl or Gaba or some other shit. The more I sleep, the better I feel, the longer amount of time I can go without having a single thought about any of this shit. It’s the unknown that scares me; not knowing whether talking to someone will make it worse or better, not knowing whether it will stay like this and then I’ll be fine, not knowing if it’ll get worse and it’ll be something that I can’t escape. Fuck, all of this shit has made my life miserable, it’s costing too much. Literally. The money for the lawyer, the money to see the doctor multiple times, the money to do tests and MRI’s, and now talking to someone once a week for God knows how long. Does it not matter that this shit has fucking ruined my life?!?!?! And it was over stupid shit; I tried multiple times to be the adult and just talk about it, but no, you couldn’t fucking do that. So now, it’s worse for both of us. Don’t you see that? Don’t you see what it has done to me? Don’t you see what it has done to you?! What it has done to our friendships?! I still haven’t told my best friend about any of this for the pure fact that I’m scared to, what will he think? What would he say? I just want this shit to stay in the past; that’s where it has been for a week now, and I’ve been fine! But now, it’s coming around again because I’ll be forced to talk about it. And then it’ll get worse, I’ll get worse. I’ll go back to losing even more weight, go back to isolating myself, and just running for hours on end to feel better, because I can literally run away from my problems and that feels so amazing.

29th May 2012 | 19 notes

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“Therapy” - All Time Low

My ship went down, in a sea of sound.
When I woke up alone I had everything;
A handful of moments, I wished I could change,
And a tongue like a nightmare, that cut like a blade.
In a city of fools, I was careful and cool,
But they tore me apart, like a hurricane.
A handful of moments, I wished I could change,
But I was carried away.

Give me therapy, I’m a walking travesty,
But I’m smiling at everything.
Therapy, you were never a friend to me,
And you can keep all your misery.

My lungs gave out, as I faced the crowd.
I think that keeping this up could be dangerous.
I’m flesh and bone, I’m a rolling stone,
And the experts say I’m delirious.

Give me therapy, I’m a walking travesty,
But I’m smiling at everything.
Therapy, you were never a friend to me,
You can take back your misery.

Arrogant boy, love yourself so no one has to.
They’re better off without you.
Arrogant boy, cause a scene like you’re supposed to.
They’ll fall asleep without you.
You’re lucky if your memory remains.

Give me therapy, I’m a walking travesty,
But I’m smiling at everything.
Therapy, you were never a friend to me,
You can take back your misery.

Therapy, I’m a walking travesty,
But I’m smiling at everything.
Therapy, you were never a friend to me,
You can choke on your misery.